You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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