Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
