where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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