She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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