I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
