I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
