when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
