he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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