i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
