Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
