like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
