in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
