apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
