so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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