I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
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I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You should frame my arrest warrant.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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