I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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