Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
