Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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