please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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