I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
