you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
