1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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