My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
