so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
