How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
