I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
