I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
