I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
