Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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