I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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