So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
