i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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