I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
