My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
