My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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