You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize