saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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