so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
