I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
