He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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