Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
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my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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