We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Small penises have feelings too.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
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I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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