I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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