I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
