i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
