Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
