So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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