Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
