I think I won the penis lottery.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The adults are the big ones right?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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