The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
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drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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