Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
