Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
