Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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