I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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