from now on my penis is your penis
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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