I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Still dying that you shit outside
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
