This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
